Crud Meridian

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how I spend my days during the pandemic. I’ve excerpted some of my daily journal below to give you a picture of how my time has passed

March 10th, 2020 – Covered body in Durex Smokey Bar-B-Q Lubricant and Marinade. Rolled across wave of human flesh. It is so good to be young and alive.

March 11th – Uh oh.

March 13th – Years of secreting pasta out of the No Frills in the hem of my pants will finally pay off.

March 17th – Roommate was extremely eager to agree to suicide pact.

March 17th (later) – During conversation about current state of world pandemic, roommate asked “What pandemic?” with genuine surprise.

March 20th – In lieu of in-person therapy, have started Screaming Hotline. Monetization?

March 23rd – Taking some personal time away from academics and musical work to de-stress, reflect on current state of world, catch up on all the pornography I have missed.

March 30th – Have finished all pornography. Loved the post-credits scene. Has anyone else seen this? Would love to discuss theories.

April 1st – Waiting patiently for pranks.

April 2nd – No pranks!?

April 5th – Have conquered sourdough bread. In need of new culinary project. Some ideas:

• Mac ‘n’ cheese + cheese. Genius
• Beef Cooked One Way
• Mixed Rice
• Order competing pizza deliveries (time trial)
• Order competing pizza deliveries (blood sport)
• Freezer surprise (Bonus Round)

April 8th – If I attack someone on the street, they’ll have to touch my body in order to fight me off. Googling “Law”

April 10th – Have measured all available dimensions of apartment. Troubling conclusions. Much to think about.

April 13th – Roommate still unaware of “Night Pudding”

April 14th – Fitness update: Looked at a pushup, began to cry involuntarily. Gains!

April 15th – Going to try a new approach to pandemic life.

April 20th – Many creative projects on the go. Days divided between research, practice, and self-care. A rigorous schedule has been extremely helpful in avoiding stress and making time for all pursuits. Automating meals, care, exercise, has reduced load of decision making. Very promising.

April 21st – Roommate has found out about “Night Pudding.” Retreat.

April 24th – Peace brokered after I showed him some of my work on new ways to measure soup quantity.

April 30th – New project: Books, but the other way?

May 5th – Rewatching pornography from the beginning. Really feels different this time, already knowing what’s going to happen.

May 12th – Heard of the sun. Investigating. Let this document be a testament to my life. (Note: Beef a second way?)