Crud Meridian

The Guardian reports that we are likely to see at least an instance of 1.5 degrees celsius average warming between now and 2027. Not permanent, but at least an instance of it. We can dispense with metaphor or cliche here – simply, the thing that was the likely result of our actions is in fact occurring. Life is nothing if not a classic piece of thermodynamic humour. In the face of this grim news we should be ever more determined to radically and totally decarbonize our economy at speeds that would make FDR blush. I think this ought to be indisputable. This raises an important question: “How are we to find the estimated $125 Trillion in investment required to decarbonize by 2050?” to which I would answer 1. Defense Budgets, 2. Money isn’t real, and 3. The sheer scale of infrastructure work required to achieve this would create so many jobs and so much economic growth that John Maynard Keynes would come back from the dead to suplex the rotting corpse of Milton Friedman into the ocean. But we need to put our money where our mouth is, and speaking of putting our mouth places, I think I have an idea that could help.

Naomi Klein writes in “On Fire” that it is in an artist’s capacity to help people imagine the future. To create alternatives to the mundane and the given so that we can push at our own boundaries and change our destiny. Right now, we are in need of that imagination, that inspiration, and the resources and initiative to pursue it. In this spirit, I have a simple proposition for the world’s ultra-rich:

If you donate 99.9% of your fortune to climate change mitigation and commit to meaningful tax reform until decarbonization is achieved, I will build a beautiful bronze statue of me sucking you off, and I will move heaven and earth to erect it in any location you wish. 

Some F.A.Q.s

Q: Connor, are you a sculptor? A: Not yet, but with the kinds of retraining possible under a decarbonizing economy, I will develop skills that would make Bernini weep with envy. And then I’ll use them to model your heroic visage, standing proudly, hands on hips, hog gobbled.

Q: Any location? A: I will join city councils, I will petition door to door, I will push through ordinances and by-laws, I will interrupt traffic. This monument to your giving spirit will live eternal in the locale of your choosing. 

Q: Will this be enough money? A: The 50 richest people on earth have just under 3 trillion dollars of private wealth. While this is not sufficient to fund decarbonization in its entirety, it is a sufficient enough gesture towards economic reorganization that I am willing to spend hours in the mirror to perfectly model the way my Adam’s Apple bobs up and down.

Q: Will you have time to do all this? A: It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post.

Q: Can I pick the pose? A: Donations over $50 Billion are eligible for our Premiere Package

Q: Don’t you think this is kind of biased towards one kind of genitalia? A: I appreciate that you think international capital is statistically diverse.

Q: Connor, is this a joke? A: This isn’t even kind of a joke.