Crud Meridian

(This was originally written as a series of tweets, right around when I realized I probably needed to start seeing a therapist. I think it’s a little dramatic but ultimately it’s a piece of writing I’m proud of and I wanted it to have a home somewhere. I think the sentiment is still worthwhile. I’ve preserved the original format because that’s how it was originally written, and also it makes me look like I’m writing Nietzschean aphorisms and not jokes about dog cum.)

Hey guys it’s me your boy Connor I’ve been drinking in the bath and reading Levinas and now it’s time to talk about self-worth

When people talk about struggling with low self-worth I think a common perception is that they lack a certain confidence

That they believe they are fundamentally incapable of success or goodness. And I think this idea is probably right in a simple way.

But this is a manifestation of basically a fear of failure that has metastasized onto identity. Your eyes are bigger than your heart.

But what is truly nefarious that I see brought up less frequently is the true hallucinogenic nature of low self-worth

If a low self-perception has enveloped your whole self, it will inform EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE AND ALL OF YOUR EXPERIENCES

You will not take opportunities offered out of what will seem like a reasonable self-estimate, that they were really made for someone better

You will endure pain and desperation and unfortunate circumstance out of the belief that you do not deserve to ask for better.

And (this is the fun one) you will poison all of your relationships with an almost autocannibal mistrust.

You will never believe any expression of affection towards you, any positive experience. You will believe that you are being lied to.

Or worse, and more likely: You will believe that you have lied and manipulated someone else into believing you are better than you are.

At a certain point, you will allow yourself now grounds for self-acceptance. You are either a monster, or utter garbage, with no margin.

This dichotomy will inform everything you do. You will feel fraudulent and malicious at every turn, thus feeding this same hallucination.

And what is truly evil is that this denies agency to those around you. You take too much responsibility for how you are perceived.

As a narcissist is not open to criticism, the autocannibal is not open to elevation or development or thorough loving praise.

I say this as a person who has annihilated relationships by choosing to live in a much more hostile world than the one actually extant.
Believe it or not, trusting someone enough to accept their affection is actually a form of vulnerability, not egoism.

Look, I don’t know a way out of this yet. I am only coming to terms with the way this has informed large parts of my life.

But know that you are worthy of love. Try to learn that about yourself as I am going to try. Some people have been very kind to me.

And I have rebuffed and alienated those people out of the fear of what would happen if I for a moment accepted what they seemed to believe.

I think because we are socialized to condemn narcissism so strongly, we do not learn the ways in which self-loathing can harm others

The real pain here is that becoming vulnerable to love is acceptance is probably the best thing you can do to crawl out of this swamp

What is the case in fact is that you, like me, are a person worthy of love and containing many virtues. You are complicated and worthwhile.

Until you accept this, you will demonize and oversimplify not just yourself, but those who try to show affection towards you.

Look, this is some baseline analysis. I’m still looking for a therapist and I haven’t solved any problems. I have pained myself and others

But I think this is what the problem looks like, and I think that even the act of acknowledging this is a step.

Defining your own needs and boundaries, necessities for forming strong relationships, is an act of self-love.

I promise you that it is remarkably hard to do this if you believe that you deserve to be fired into the sun. The idea will seem grotesque.

And if you don’t know what you want or need, you cannot express this to someone who wants to accommodate those this things.

As such you will feel alienated and panicked and YOU WILL NOT EVEN KNOW WHY. IT WILL BE BEYOND YOU IN A TOTAL AND HORRIFYING WAY.

And your consistent rejection of the affection of others will alienate them as well, showing that you are unreceptive and fearful.

I’m not going to say that some phantom other cannot help you learn to love yourself. I am positive that that scenario is a real one.

But what I do believe is that it requires either work or total broken desperation to allow that person into your life in a real way.

If you are like me, then you will live with a knot in your stomach and restricted breath until you can do this.

Today I spent an hour trying to cry about literally anything. I can’t do it anymore. I get a headache instead.

You don’t have to do this so don’t. Be strong in your vulnerability. Let people into your life knowing they may cause pain.

I am so sorry.