Crud Meridian

The contemporary media landscape is so flush with varying points of view that it is a sisyphean task to attempt to parse through all of it. Are my uncle’s beliefs dangerous, racist, and untrue, or merely dangerous and untrue? Should I drink hand sanitizer to cure coronavirus, or just for fun? How many children has Justin Trudeau eaten to satisfy the homosexual agenda? The truth is out there, but I am sleepy and fragile and I would like to lie on the floor and have a large dog tell me that I am safe.

To help, I have compiled an authoritative guide on the 2020 conspiracy landscape. You can use it to stay informed. Or uninformed. You can use it to know less or more or the same amount. I dunno. The dog has gone away and I no longer feel safe.

COVID isn’t real

• It’s a false flag done by the government to murder freedom. Time to lick some doorknobs.

COVID is real but it’s not a big deal

• It’s basically the flu, which is a thing that historically has never caused even one death. I do not know how to read.

COVID is real and it’s a big deal but somehow you still shouldn’t wear a mask

• If my grandparents were still alive I know they would want to die again so Jeff Bezos could have another space yacht.

COVID is real but only Keith should wear a mask

• He’s mother’s special angel and we want him to be safe!

Pro-Mask: Everyone should wear a mask

• Y’know, ‘cause, like… fuckin’… disease? God, satire is fuckin’ difficult.

Anti-Mask: No one should wear a mask

• If you wear a mask, you’re a false flag crisis actor who took a shit on freedom. My body is a temple to chaos. I can no longer remember the touch of another.

Antemasque: Everyone should listen to Antemasque

• The Mars Volta’s breakup was a tragedy for the world of progressive music, but Omar Rodriguez-Lopez and Cedric Bixler-Zavala are still active, and Antemasque can be seen in many ways as a spiritual successor.

The Mars Volta’s “Octahedron” is far better than it gets credit for, and they were ignored in their ability to write downtempo subdued progressive rock without wandering into rock opera wankery

• Does anyone wanna come over and listen to Frances The Mute? I’ll make cookies.

China did COVID to tank the american economy

• COVID was bioengineered by the Chinese government to tank the American economy, knowing that the american response would be to shit their pants and then trip over the pants that they shit and then fall down the stairs and then land in the pants that they shit. Also thousands of people have died.

Justin Trudeau did COVID to hurt oil

• Justin hates oil so much, so he went into his kitchen and made a virus that would get the oil sick. Now the oil is sick and climate change is happening because the earth is sad that the oil is sick. 

The gays did COVID

• God, I dunno, I mean I bet someone believes something like this, right? Like, law of large numbers, someone’s uncle thinks this.

Keith did COVID 

• He just wanted some attention

COVID is caused by the 5G network

• Please stop huffing nitrous

Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization

• Racism ended 50 years ago and everyone else is just whining because the government didn’t affirmative action enough? Jesus, please stop watching Fox News you scared maniac.

All Lives Matter

• Y’know what I don’t have it in me to actually bother with this. Anyone who says this doesn’t actually believe it, ironically. Is that like a paradox? Y’know, we’re all going to die. All of us. Where’s the big dog. I’m sad.

Blue Lives Matter

• What sounds like a shitty Ricky Gervais joke about a minority group is actually way more depressing. 

Keith’s Life Matters

• Keith, sweetie, are you doing okay?