Crud Meridian

It’s been nearly a year since we all mutually decided to stay in our houses for some reason that I can’t really remember. In that time I have cultivated a deeper understanding of myself, developed new hobbies, and made peace with my place in a world whose defining characteristic is that it is beyond my control. I have also spent a sickening amount of time on Dating Apps, predominantly Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble. I thought I should share some of the broader truths that I’ve absorbed during my time.

1. The Office is an extremely well-regarded television program

2. You absolutely have prejudices

3. There are like three interesting people, but it’s a different three people for every person on earth

4. You may have already met them. So. Good luck with that.

5. “Hannibal is my favourite TV show” is maybe best delivered with a great deal of context

6. Your prejudices reinforce your decisions

7. You’ll be the same person, no matter how many times you remake your profile

8. Anyone making demands on your body that involve measurements is pretty much not worth your time

9. Your decisions reinforce your prejudices

10. Everyone on the internet has heard some dude wax poetic about how great “No Country For Old Men” is

11. When someone says “Hey” they mean “Hey,” but they also mean something else

12. You do not know what the something-else is

13. “We both know what this app is for” is an assumption of profound internal consistency on your part

14. The amount of people who have very intense opinions about Infinite Jest vastly outnumber the amount of people who have read Infinite Jest – This fact will not help you, no matter which kind you are

15. “What kind of music do you listen to?” is a trap

16. Every man either fishes or has been in possession of a fish

17. Not everyone on the internet has heard you wax poetic about how great “No Country For Old Men” is

18. Any flirtation during a public lockdown happens on a path whose branches lead to either nauseating longing or a public health risk – This is either deeply frustrating or intensely erotic

19. It’s both

20. You don’t know where the tonal distinction between “I’m a goofball doing a bit” and “I’m a serial killer” is and no one is going to tell you

21. “I have no actual clue” is somehow not an acceptable answer to “Be upfront about what you want”

22. There are thousands of people in the world whom you will never know, and some of them are real cuties

23. All opinions about Radiohead are boring

24. All of them

25. “I love to travel” also means “I have disposable income”

26. Being Yourself takes a staggering amount of work and excellent lighting

27. Some people stay lonely